The OTHER C-Word!!
Just when we thought a topic like “the c-word” couldn’t get any more controversial, another equally important c-word swoops in and demands some attention. If you are feeling confused about that statement, it may be in your best interest to go back and read my previous blog post before proceeding. I wrote last month about codependency, which, in short, is a term that describes the loss of self that accompanies an emotional reliance on other people. Codependency manifests itself in many ways but always in the context of our relationships with others as well as an abandonment of the relationship with ourselves. Today we are covering counterdependency, which can perhaps be conceptualized as codependency’s twin brother who followed a very different life path. Let’s explore!
Counterdependency is not a topic that is frequently discussed, but it is very common and equally destructive as codependency when it comes to building genuine, intimate relationships. Counterdependency is characterized by a refusal of attachment and prioritization of feeling emotionally distant from others. Those with traits of counterdependency may self-identify as “rocks” or “islands”, tending to push people away and reject closeness. As with codependency, there is never going to be a one-size-fits-all approach to anything in the world of psychotherapy, so instead use this post as an informational guideline.
Interestingly, counterdependency arises in many of the same circumstances as codependency does. At some point in development, perhaps as a child or later on in a traumatic relationship, a person learns that close relationships are painful or burdensome. Boundaries may have been profoundly disrespected or ignored, emotional neglect or abuse may have occurred, or a parent may have exhibited counterdependent traits and passed them down. Any of these can contribute to developing a strong avoidance of closeness with others as a means of protecting oneself from future painful experiences. It is very common to see counterdependency as a male trait. I don’t want to stereotype here but let’s face the facts! There is a societal standard around “manliness” which says that emotion should be suppressed and that emotional or creative expression is weak. There is an undeniable celebration of “toughness” and independence in men, and the expectation that men are to be stoic, unemotional, and stable. This is not to say that counterdependence can’t be seen in women, albeit it is much less common. Developing psychological defenses can become an important way for a young person to ensure survival. However, hiding behind these defenses into adulthood can lessen quality of life, ability to connect with others, and can distance oneself from what one truly wants and needs.
There are a number of common behaviours and traits that are characteristic of counterdependency. Allow me to outline a few to provide a richer understanding:
Avoiding one’s own feelings and having difficulty connecting to, or empathizing with, others. There is a disconnect with one’s own emotional neediness and a refusal to acknowledge this important part of the self.
Avoiding emotional expression and feeling uncomfortable around those who are freely emotionally expressive. This forced stoicism can lead to success in careers in the military, as business executives, captains or coaches. Any job or situation requiring caring softness will be avoided because those traits are rejected, less developed, or inaccessible.
Needing to feel, and be perceived, as independent. This can result in limitations around emotionally bonding with other people. A deep fear of vulnerability can cause those with counterdependency to keep relationships emotionally superficial. Bonds with others may be limited and will be based on activities and material objects, such as playing sports or video games, watching TV, admiring new cars or clothes, etc. Focus may be on financial wealth as an unconscious means of outrunning emotional poverty.
Grandiosity and superiority regarding relationships. There may be a protective belief in place that says it is foolish to rely on people and that it is a sign of weakness to show or accept love. Those who have healthy interdependent relationships or show affection may be looked down on.
Arrogance in expressing opinions and refusing to acknowledge that others may have valuable opinions as well. They may disagree with the person who is speaking even if they haven’t given the person’s statement any thought (disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing). This stubbornness serves as a means of asserting independence from the other person and maintaining “control” over the conversation. Picture it as a discussion with an immovable mountain.
Difficulty with boundaries. A person with counterdependency may feel very disconnected from their own boundaries and will instead set a HUGE boundary with others to compensate. For example, a person may not be able to outline what healthy closeness looks like for them in a relationship, so they instead swear off closeness of any kind.
The above is of course not an exhaustive list, but instead a guideline of the traits someone who exhibits counterdependency may identify with. If the above list felt a touch too close to home or like I’ve just executed a personal attack on you, fear not! I am here to offer a VERY important sentiment to you: change is possible! If you are someone who could identify with the above list but is not at a point in life where you feel that change is necessary, that’s okay too. The greatest growth comes along when you genuinely want it and are ready for it. This post is not meant to be a condemnation of counterdependency, but rather an opportunity to make changes if desired.
So! What steps can someone with counterdependency take to reconnect to what within them has been lost? First and foremost, you can conduct an inventory of belief structures that are no longer serving you. Ask yourself (and it will be different for everyone!) what beliefs you have surrounding love, emotion, expression, connection, relationships, and vulnerability. Where did these beliefs come from? What do you think you have missed out on in life because of these beliefs? What have these beliefs protected you from? What is an updated view of these beliefs that may help you to live a fuller life? When you tap into something that feels pretty uncomfortable, you’ve found some buried treasure! In many ways, this work is like mining for gold - it can only be done by doing some serious digging. Once you are able to establish which of these conditioned beliefs are impacting your life in a negative way, you can begin to reprogram them by pushing up against them. What emotions have you held yourself back from expressing in your life? What does it look like for you to express your emotions? What might balance look like for you in relationships? Are you familiar with and respectful of your own boundaries and the boundaries of others? Are you aware of your own needs? In what context would you feel safe beginning to express your needs to others? Asking yourself these questions is a great place to start.
The above is perhaps a doozy of a journal prompt, but it will get you moving in the right direction. This is not the type of work that is possible to do alone, so reaching out to loved ones and professional counsellors can help you to get the support you need while mining for gold. I hope this post has been blissfully educational, and it helps you to take steps towards a fuller life for yourself. Until next time, tootaloo!