The C-Word!
Hello friends! I would guess that you are interested in which c-word the title of this post is scandalously alluding to. I would also guess that this c-word is not one that pops into mind when you are considering the possibilities. Codependency is the hot topic c-word for the day and it is one that really needs some attention! Let us give this c-word the acknowledgement it deserves.
Now, the word codependency is not one that rolls off the tongue and it is certainly not a noun that many are willing to attach to themselves. However, I’m here to do my best to reduce the stigma around codependency and encourage everyone to take an honest inventory of day-to-day behaviour that may be a touch outdated. The more you know about yourself, the more thoroughly you can understand where behavioural adjustments may help you to live a happier and healthier life.
I think an appropriate first step would be to define codependency and the behaviours that characterize it. There is never going to be a one-size-fits-all approach to anything in the world of psychotherapy, but allow the following to be an informational guideline and use it accordingly. Codependency is commonly seen in close relationships and can be defined as an outward focus and reliance on other people to help regulate one’s own emotions. Codependent behaviours are not limited to intimate partnerships and can be observed in sibling, parent-child, coworker and friendship dynamics. Often, someone who struggles with codependency does not feel entitled to their own wants or needs and has often lost sight of their lives as individuals. They become fixated on trying to please, help, fix or control other people and situations. In doing so, they learn to base their feelings on what other people do and say, rather than from within themselves.
Codependency is a group of traits that develop in early life, sometimes in response to disorder in the family. If the childhood home environment was not as stable and supportive as was needed, certain behavioural strategies may have developed to ensure that we were safe. We may have learned to be caretakers and people-pleasers, feel guilty and responsible for others’ behaviour, struggle with boundaries (too weak or too rigid), feel unworthy of ‘taking up space’, try to control people or situations, and feel deprived or undeserving. Codependency can also be intergenerational, developing in children who observe and learn codependent behaviours from their parents or caregivers. Even though you perhaps learned these behaviours from your mother, who learned them from Grandpa Gus, who learned them from Great Aunt Mavis, and so on, it is ALWAYS possible to recognize and shed long-standing behaviours that no longer serve you (or your family tree)!
Now that we have an understanding of what codependency is and how it develops, allow me to describe some common codependent behaviours to help paint the full picture:
Focusing (sometimes obsessively) on other people’s lives in the form of worrying, micromanaging, advice giving, caretaking, and attempts to control.
Self-criticism and high (or impossible) standards for yourself in different life domains. Criticism from others is taken as rejection or a personal attack instead of grounds for self-improvement and reflection. Codependency is often accompanied by low self-esteem and regular experiences of guilt and shame.
A sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings, and an inability to separate from them. For example, a woman who sees that her partner is angry may get upset and question what she did to cause it, rather than recognizing and clarifying with him that the anger is unrelated to her. Alternatively, the same woman may see that her partner is in a good mood and be able to relax and enjoy the day.
Feeling like other people need you and that they can always depend on you, even if it means over-extending and exhausting yourself. Very much related to the next point!
Having difficulty saying “no” to people because you do not want to create conflict by letting them down. This goes hand in hand with feeling afraid to upset or disappoint people, commonly known as people-pleasing. Sometimes, it can feel like others are taking advantage of this kindness.
Ignoring one’s own feelings, needs and desires. It can be difficult to be in touch with our inner worlds when focused so vehemently on other people. This can cause anger and resentment to build up over time, only to be indirectly expressed as reactive blow-ups, passive-aggressive comments, or martyrdom.
Intimacy and open communication are often very difficult because those who exhibit codependent behaviour do not have easy access to their own needs or opinions, or are afraid to express them.
A tendency to overschedule and overwork in order to distract from one’s own feelings or to prove one’s worth to the people around them.
The above is not an exhaustive list, but more of a guideline about what codependent behaviour could look like. If you find yourself identifying with any of the preceding examples, fear not! Whip out your journal and note that there are many ways to reconnect with yourself and to learn healthier behaviours in relationships. When questioning whether a behaviour is codependent, earnestly ask yourself what the motivation is for doing what you are doing. Are you acting out of a feeling of guilt or obligation? Are you giving compulsively without stopping to ask if it is something you want to give? Are you hoping that someone will like, love, or accept you if you do something for them? Are you doing something because you want to prove yourself? Will the other person’s reaction dictate how you feel for the rest of the day? Do you feel resentful and taken advantage of?
If any of the above questions were answered with a resounding “YES!”, perhaps it is a good time to redirect some of the energy that is focused toward other people and focus it on yourself. What have you done today to take care of yourself? Is there anything in this moment that you want or need? What do you like to do with your time that has nothing to do with other people? Breaking free from codependent behaviours begins with reconnection to yourself. If we have spent years focused on other people, it is likely that we have lost touch with parts of ourselves. Recognize that you are loved and accepted for who you are and that you deserve rest. Learn to say “no” when you need to and familiarize yourself with all of your glorious strengths. Be honest with yourself and let go of unrealistic expectations. Speak kindly to yourself and make fun a priority! Pursue a hobby and feel your feelings. Take care of your body and ask for help when you need it. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Finally, get yourself a therapist who will always be your cheerleader!
Well, there you have it. Codependency is not a diagnosis, nor a life-long relationship prison sentence. It is a propensity towards certain behaviours that are 100% changeable if you want to change them. I hope this blog has taught you something useful today and I hope you are as tickled by the cartoon below as I was. Until next time, so long!
