"It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it." - Eeyore

Eeyore, in all of his melancholy wisdom, is a fantastic fellow to help introduce the topic of today’s blog post: attachment! Not the kind of attachment that comes to mind when our favourite donkey mentions a body part, but instead the type of attachment that shapes every relationship in our life. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Attachment theory posits that the earliest relationships we have with our caregivers, or primary attachment figures, contribute to the development of how we approach relationships later in life. This includes romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, and of course the relationship we have with ourselves. The relational foundation established early in life becomes the base on which we build the rest of our personality. If we have caregivers who are responsive to our needs and are emotionally open, we will likely develop a healthy sense of interdependence with those we are close to. We will trust others and be able to communicate healthily when necessary to assert boundaries and express needs. We will feel pretty good about our autonomy and enter relationships that compliment us instead of filling what feels like a void within us. Since a therapist is writing about it in a blog, you have probably already guessed that often, our early relationships don’t align with objectively healthy experiences. The great news is that the more aware you are of the way your attachment style contributes to your experience of relationships, your attractions, and your internal dialogue, the easier it is to bring some healthy changes into the mix!

There are four main attachment styles, as suggested by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, the pioneers of Attachment theory. These styles include Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Fearful-Avoidant (also known as Disorganized), and Dismissive-Avoidant. While the style of attachment is likely established early in life with our parents, we see these early patterns repeated in our adult relationships. People may have a single attachment style across all relationships, or their style may vary depending on the type of relationship they are in. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to determining which attachment style category you may fit into, and instead, it is likely that you are a beautiful combination of multiple styles. EVERY STYLE IS AN OKAY STYLE, but specific interpersonal difficulties may result from certain styles and not others. The goal of this post is to help educate readers about what their primary attachment style is and reassure everyone that all styles can move towards a secure attachment with a balance of communication, emotional awareness, and patience.

Secure attachment is that which was previously outlined and is considered to be the healthiest way to relate to others. In adulthood, a secure person is generally supportive, available, and open with their friends and partners. They were taught that being vulnerable is safe and necessary to maintain any intimate bond. They feel as though their needs are worthy of being met and are able to openly communicate them when necessary. Their boundaries are clearly outlined and they feel comfortable asserting themselves when these boundaries have been overstepped by a friend, boss, partner, or stranger. Commitment is neither terrifying nor something they hurriedly jump into before adequate assessment. They are able to listen to other people’s needs while considering their own. People with secure attachments are comfortable with emotions, whether it be their own or another person’s, and are able to process emotion effectively.

Anxious-Preoccupied attachment is characterized by a deep (often unconscious) fear of abandonment or rejection. It can manifest in adult relationships in many ways with varying degrees of intensity. It may take the form of an obsessive infatuation with another person or as an “anxious preoccupation” with their partner leaving the relationship or abandoning them (emotionally or physically). As children, these people may not have had predictable or consistent caregivers, or their caregivers may have been absent at times. This erratic parenting can trigger anxiety in the child and can foster a lack of self-worth as they grow older. Often, adults with anxious attachments abandon their own needs and desires when they enter a romantic relationship to match what they think their partner is looking for; they are “people-pleasers”. At their core, they think that communicating their needs and asserting boundaries will lead to them being abandoned. They prefer to spend most of their free time with their partner and feel upset if their partner does not choose to do the same. If they sense a partner being cold, they may feel panic and try to achieve closeness as quickly as possible to ease their discomfort. This attachment style requires reassurance that they will not be rejected, as well as affection and predictability from their partners. They can move toward a more secure attachment by learning to communicate their needs and emotions, as well as educating their partners about the importance of reassuring words and affection. When they are feeling anxious about a relationship, they can ask themselves which of their needs are going unmet, seek help in meeting this need, and learn how to self-soothe. Having reliable partners who provide encouragement and maintain healthy boundaries can help this style to learn new ways of relating to those they are close to.

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment is characterized in adulthood by an emotionally distant approach to relationships. People with this attachment style often appear withdrawn and are considered to be quite independent, but struggle to connect with others on an intimate level. They may retreat physically and emotionally if they feel that they are being relied on too heavily because, at a deep level, they believe it is unsafe to be vulnerable with others. As children, they may have had parents that were physically or emotionally absent, which taught the child to self-soothe and that they can only safely rely on themselves. In adult relationships, this attachment style tends to avoid conflict and is much more comfortable when their partners look after their own emotional needs instead of involving them. They can sometimes appear to be cold and standoffish when they are faced with emotion and try to avoid contact with their own emotional worlds as much as possible. People with a dismissive-avoidant style can move toward a more secure attachment by learning to increase their tolerance for their own emotions and those of their partners. They can learn from their partners and friends that it is safe to be expressive of their needs and that interdependence can be healthy and rewarding. By learning more about their own emotional needs, they can develop more empathy and compassion for those close to them.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment is characterized in adult relationships as uncertainty or ambivalence as they regularly shift between being vulnerable and being distant. People with this attachment style find it difficult to trust people they are closest to because, at a deep level, they think that betrayal or rejection is inevitable. In childhood, this person may have experienced an untrusting (or abusive) relationship with their caregiver(s), who were sometimes mean and rejecting towards the child and other times emotionally supportive. Caregivers may have had substance abuse or other mental health disorders, causing them to create a “hot and cold” dynamic with the child. In adulthood, people with this attachment style often feel more stable outside of romantic relationships but are met with inner turmoil when they partner-up because the emotional closeness activates deep wounds from their childhood. They often will threaten to leave a relationship during times of heightened emotionality, because they wish to avoid the vulnerability of communicating needs to a partner. These people may have difficulty with creating and respecting boundaries as well as difficulty regulating emotions. These people analyze others’ body language, tone of voice, and microexpressions at a very deep level as a way to keep their environment predictable and safe. They can move toward a more secure attachment style by familiarizing themselves with their inner worlds, building a sense of self-worth, identifying emotional triggers and how to self-soothe, and learning to clearly communicate boundaries and needs. Someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style can learn that it is safe and necessary to be vulnerable in healthy relationships.

There we have it, folks! A deep-enough dive to give you an understanding of how each of the four attachment styles can manifest in adult relationships. These examples are meant to be informative, not prescriptive, and it is important to reiterate an earlier point here: EVERY STYLE IS AN OKAY STYLE! After identifying which attachment style(s) matches with your experiences and behaviours, it is possible to learn new tools that can help move you toward a healthier form of attachment. If you are interested in doing a quiz to identify your attachment style, here is an awesome one:

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/

If you want to learn more, I encourage you to check out the infinitely valuable library of Thais Gibson, from the Personal Development School, on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

Thanks for reading, y’all! If you are interested in exploring attachment styles in a therapeutic setting, I encourage you to visit my contact page and reach out.